Current mood:	sad
Current music:	Thompson Twins - Hold Me Now

Pain Long Passed
I . . . I dunno . . . I feel the need to type in here.
Now's about the time when I would have pulled out my diary and wrote in it if I still kept it, so I guess now is about the time that I should pull this up and start typing.
A few mundane things have happened, I'll talk about them later, but I don't want to discuss them right now, that's not what this is about.
What this is really about is the past, the kind of time when I used to keep a diary, one that I still have. When I was at school doing my A Levels, when I fell in love with Natasha, when I spent all that time roleplaying with her and Kate.
All this has made me realise how much it hurts that all that is behind me. That I can never have it back. I've never really missed anything that hurt this much before, but I guess I will again in the future. I mean, what with Joe so lost and empty and everything I loved about the chantry up here long gone.
I watched The Wedding Singer tonight. It took me right back to that time. The time when Tasha was so in love with the film and christened the song 'Hold Me Now' from the soundtrack as her character's. As Xandra's and Lucian's.
I watched it and it hurt. It hurt that that's all behind us, and it hurt that I had to miss her wedding.
I'm getting worse with everything I'm hearing from Natasha, so I better hurry up, because much longer and I'm not going to be in any fit state to type anything at all. . .
I got online to see if I could find her, if I could talk to her, if I could explain to her what had happened . . .
I knew that if I'd gone to her wedding it would have upset me. Would have reminded me of the time she and I were together, reminded me of all the times we spent roleplaying together, reminded me of when she and David got together. Of sitting in her room and staring out the window, talking and talking until the sky paled. Of all the parties, of all our friends. Of everything, all the memories, the good, the bad, all of it.
So first I have to accept that yes, she's married. And she did it without me there. Me, her best friend in the whole world. The person she once loved more than anything else in the world.
Her sister's pregnant. Tasha's little sister Vix, who was a little girl when I first met her . . .
Turns out that things fell apart in the months before their wedding. Tasha got savaged by a cat at work and has lost a lot of the feeling in her right hand, she lost one of her cats in a car accident, both her rabbits to a fox, David lost his nan, the priest died of cancer, it was a nightmare. It was a nightmare . . . and I wasn't there.
But things . . . I don't know . . . things get worse.
I've started listening to all this music that we were in love with way back then. Things I'm not going to admit to listening to now. That's for just me and Niccie to know I'm afraid.
And I was thinking about our games, about how they shaped my life, about who I may have become if I hadn't Storytold them, about the fact that I don't know if it mattered to them at all. I thought about Estelle, about Xandra and Lucian and Julian, and Solat and Bacchus, all of them. About how much fun I had running for them and how much those games changed my life.
Then she told me . . .
She told me about Kate . . .
Kate's had a baby . . .
And . . . And she called her Estelle . . .
God I can't even think it without crying . . . It just . . . I don't know . . . I don't know how to explain how I feel.
I've never felt such a poiniant pain at the loss of the past, about the fact I can never have it back again, never hold it, never go away with the two of them and spend the week roleplaying, or writing terrible fantasy fiction, or just up and talking. All that childish innocence, all that friendship is gone . . .
It's probably stupid of me to get so upset about it, but I've never felt like this before . . .
God I miss it. I miss all those little stupid things that I'm never going to have again.
I miss the fact that we used to tell each other everything.
I miss it all . . .
And I really better shut up now or I really will go on all night . . .
I just . . . I just didn't expect it to hurt this much, and I don't know why it does. Those times meant so much to me . . . and now Kate's has a daughter . . . and she's named her after the character she played in my game when we were all so young and stupid . . .
I don't know why that makes me cry . . .
I just don't.