Current mood:	sad
Current music:	Marilyn Manson - Terrible Lie (Accousic)

Of Music and Money
Well, I can't really say that life hasn't been better.
It's Natasha's wedding tomorrow, and I can't go because I just don't have the money to get there.
Or rather, I just don't have the money for petrol to get back again.

It makes me really sad. Once apon a time, she was the most important thing in my life, a friend, a lover, a sister, all I had. And now I can't even get to what's going to be the most important day of her life. It's just not fair. It's not fair on her and it's not fair on me. I called Mike to tell him that we wouldn't be coming. He convinced me to call Mum, he told me that she'd really want to see me, that she's proabably missing me and that she may be splitting up with Dad yet again. That she wouldn't want to see me miss the wedding of my best friend. So I called her, and guess what? Yeah she didn't care to see me, and didn't care that I'm going to miss my friend's wedding. She equally didn't seem to care that I'm going to loose my house. I can't explain how that makes me feel, when she has this huge fight and splits up with my dad when he won't let her give my brother money, but she can quite happily stand by, let me miss Natasha's wedding, and side with him when he refuses to act as the garentour for my house. We're going to have to ask Niccie's mum for the money to pay this months rent. It's already over a week overdue. I don't want to do it, but I don't see myself as having much choice. My parents would see me rot in the gutter. Well, after the thing with my dad refusing to be my garentour, I said that, once and for all, I'd cope without them. Mike persuaded me to call mum today, and now I'm just even more convinved. I don't need their support. I've never had it. Never had their love or their support. My mum didn't even make my graduation, and my dad nearly didn't because he'd picked a fight with me the night before. Joe, my mentor and friend, came all the way up from Brisol to see me graduate. Not even my own parents would do that for me. This has only convinced me more that ties of friendship, of love and magic, matter so much more than simply being related to someone. My sister that I used to idolise, missed seeing me on my birthday to go and play pool with her husband's daughter. Well, screw them all. I've had enough, I really have. The way they have treated me is out of order. I'll cope without them, and when I make it I'll be able to look down on them, tell them exactly how much they've hurt me, watch them crawling to get back on good terms with me and be able to turn them away. Make them hurt like they've made me hurt. I've been trying to get in touch with Jade, she asked me to call her, but I just can't get through, and when I do, she cancel's the call. I don't know what's up with her, maybe she was just busy, I'll give it another try in a bit. Niccie and I are still trying to make our relationship work. I need it so that I can feel inspired and dreamy around him, and so that I can write when he's around, because I haven't been able to do that in five years. Hopefully it'll work out. He's at home today and upstairs. I haven't heard a peep out of him and I'm not really stressed out thinking about him, so that's a start. Now it's just a case of whether I can find the drive and the passion to write. Only it's not. Even if I can't find it, I need to try. It's about more than me right now. Still trying to get a job, still failing. Hollow Dreams is still going under. Still, like I say, there are more important things in the world. Like the fact that I haven't eaten properly for a week and a half, I'm hungry all the time, haven't had a cigarette in half a week and I'm twitching with nicotine withdrawl. Like the fact I'm going to miss Natasha's wedding. The most important thing in her life, and I'm not going to be there. That hurts. It hurts a lot. Still, I expect I'll cope, I always seem to.

The statue of Lord Byron that stands outside the Hero's Gardens in Messolonghi, Greece. The place he went when his life lost all drive, all direction, lost everything that mattered and when everyone he cared about was dead. The place he went to recapture a little of that meaning before it was too late. The place where he gave hiimself completely to a cause that he could have turned away from and no one would have noticed. The place where he became a hero fighting for what he loved, for what he belived in. The place where he gave his life and died in the rain.