Current mood:	sad
Current music:	Stabbing Westward - I Remeber

My so called life.
I don't believe the way my life goes sometimes.
It works on sod's law, everything that can go wrong, does. And I really mean that, it's not just me being morose. I'm hexed or something, things go wrong around me all the time, and I mean all the fucking time.
Anyway, the thing that has me ranting like this this particular time is my parents.
I don't as you will know, have a job, despite a hundred or so application forms I've sent out.
Anyway, because I don't have a job, I need a guarantor to say I'm going to pay the rent for the next six months.
I can't afford to, but that's not the point, I would have found a way. I always do. It's one of my trademarks along with having the world shit on me at every possible opportunity.
Niccie's parents have guaranteed not only him but me as well in the past. They gave me hell for it and I'll never forgive his dad for what he said to me when he signed the papers, but they did it, and that at least I'm infinitely grateful for.
And did we cost them that 4 grand?
No.
We struggled.
We went weeks without buying food.
We slogged through but we paid the bloody rent and we didn't rely on them for a penny.
Nothing.
And I was proud of myself for that, after all the bad opinions and expectations they had of me, I bloody did it.
And then this guy I know, I've met him in the flesh once, know him mainly online, he's one of the other STs at Hollow Dreams. He needed a guarantor and he came to me because he didn't have anyone else. Anyway, I couldn't do it, because I have no job. But I went to Niccie and we talked long and hard about it. We talked about when we had been down on our luck and all we needed was for someone to give us a break. We talked about the fact his parents did it for us and we did everything we bloody could and made it without relying on them. And we decided to do it.
Now we come to me.
I don't have a job.
I need a guarantor.
I call my parents.
I ask them how their two week holiday to Scotland's going.
I personally haven't had a holiday in 2 years and even then it was a week spent roleplaying in a tent in the middle of a field.
Then I ask him. He says 'Yeah sure' so I say I'll post it to him. All fine, I hang up.
Thirty seconds later the phone rings again.
It's him again.
'So what exactly does this form you want me to sign mean?'
So I explain it to him.
'Well, why can't Nic's parents do it?'
Because it's not for Nic, it's for me, you MORON. Niccie has a job, and besides, they've done it for US BOTH in the past.
But I stay calm, I tell him it won't come to him having to pay the rent for us.
He says he knows it will and what's he supposed to do? Get me to sign a form saying he won't have to pay it when he's just signed a form saying he will?
No. You're supposed to have some faith in me.
You're supposed to support me because despite all the times you let me down and refuse to help me, despite the fact that I get a kick from saying I don't need you to support me to get on, sometimes I have no other choice.
I was in tears by this point and I didn't want him to hear me like that cause all he ever does when I get upset is keep pushing and keep shouting and keep on at me.
So I said 'Screw you then, I'll find someone else' and I hung up.
Only thing is, I don't have anyone else to find.
And my brother, don't get me started on my little brother. He's just been sacked from his job. Only I'm not supposed to tell them that. I'm not supposed to tell them because he's been living with them for the past year, paying no rent, getting fed and looked after, my Mum's been paying his debts and finally paid the deposit and first month's rent on a house he now can't keep because he has no job. He drifts from job to job, he stays unemployed forever and they support him.
Don't get me wrong, I really love my little brother, and I know they're hard on him, a lot of people are, and he doesn't deserve it. Cause deep down he's only aggressive and uncontrolled because when we were growing up, after my mother left, Dad was even more violent and offensive to him that he was to me. He's had a damned hard time, and I love him to bits, but when all I need is for them to give me one lousy break and I get made fun of, it bites.
And people, namely my Mum and sister, go on and on at me that I'm Dad's favorite.
Fuck off I'm his favorite. Maybe he can be a little easier on me than Mike sometimes, but when you're maybe 14 years old, and you want to be a writer, and you're reading something you wrote to a family friend because you know full well that you father isn't interested, and he comes in and says 'Why don't you stop doing that shit and start thinking about getting a proper job', that is NOT favoritism.
He could have destroyed my dreams, my life if I'd have let him.
Now he's going to see me out on the streets.
That doesn't sound like favoritism to me.